Hiii.

I just wanted to do one more post because some people did not get the memo like 3-4 months ago when I switched journals. Hard to believe it was that long ago... wow!

Anyway, just wanted to remind people that I switched journals over to http://heyjuuude.livejournal.com in case you didn't know/never friended me back on the other one. Most people got it, just posting in here one last time. :]

Now I'm off to watch Britney Spears' "Gimme More" music video on VH1. Peashh!

I'm getting a little paranoid about who's been reading my journal lately, so I've created a new, friends only journal. My new username is heyjuuude, and I've weeded through my friends and have added pretty much everyone I'm still in contact with, but skipped over most of the journals people stopped using. So yeahhh, add that if you would like to continue reading my entries/let me continue reading your entries. Good tiiimes in this journal, see you at my new one.

I'm sorry to update like a million times today, but I'm just really really sad right now. Sometimes I don't know how long I can last without breaking down. There are times where I'm in the middle of rehearsal and I almost start crying randomly. Like, we're doing warm-ups and I start choking up and I get that lump in my throat that you get when you cry, and I just can't handle anything anymore. Or there are times like right now when I'm just online and a song comes on that reminds me of them and I tear up and then have to stop what I'm doing to cry or bring up the topic of the girls to whoever I'm talking to on IM or something. I can't be around happy people when I'm that upset because then I feel even more upset that no one is on the same page at the same time in the same place and I feel really lonely. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I'm freaking out and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

So tonight I punched Fred Phelps in the face.

Well, I would have if I saw him or any of his followers, but I don't know if they actually showed up or not tonight. If they did, none of us saw them and they had no impact on the service at all.

Anyway, the service was beautiful. Mr. Paddock has grown so much as our principal in the past year, I've got to say. He did a great job with the ceremony tonight. My favorite part was when Teddy Geiger performed, because I heard rumors that he might show up, but the fact that he actually showed up in his black t-shirt and jeans among the thousands of people wearing red just made me laugh a bit. He performed the infamous "For You I Will", and Sammi and I were sending each other "WTFFFF" looks throughout. I wonder if Teddy realizes he met most of the girls that died a while back at the mall. I also wonder why he spends so much time at the mall, because every person I know that's met him or seen him in person has done so at the mall (including myself).

In my last entry, I called Fairport a hellhole, and now I think I need to clarify. Fairport is actually a really lovely town, and I'm going to miss it a ton, and right now the community is really coming together and supporting each other and everything. It's beautiful. The hellhole comment came from the fact that it's so depressing to live here right now, because essentially everyone knew these girls or knows someone who knew them, and everyone is just so sad right now. It's incredibly difficult to move on when no one around you can move on either, and I really just need an escape from all this. We're supposed to be too young to have to deal with something like this, and part of me just wants to get away from everyone and everything. Fairport is not a hellhole at all, especially not right now, and I can't believe I even thought that for a second.

This is a rant about everything. I just need to get everything out without comment. Don't take it personally; there are some times when I want people's opinions and comments about stuff I say/do, and this isn't one of those times. As a disclaimer, I know I'm about to blame people that don't deserve blame because they're either just doing their job or don't know what they're doing wrong, but I don't really care right now. This is my journal and I'm going to write whatever I want in it. I understand that I'm being a bitch, but I honestly don't even care right now, and just a hint, now is not the right time to correct me.

I'm so sick of the media. Channel 13 came yesterday to publicize Grease, which I actually thought was really nice of them because they gave us more airtime than usual. But when I watched the clips, they spent about 1/3 of the time talking about the show and 2/3s of the time talking about the girls and the crash. Can we please not talk about this for like two minutes? People know we're Fairport and they know there was a tragedy last month, so can we please talk about how we have a musical premiering this weekend and not how singing and dancing helps us cope with everything that's happened? Because guess what? The musical is definitely not helping us to get our minds off what happened when you talk about the girls and ask us questions about them half the time. I understand that this is just an angle to journalists, but I feel like not triggering our emotions is a bit more important than getting a stupid news story.

Then Channel 10 came today too to record Summer Nights. Thanks, but we all know why you're really here. Today's the memorial service. Channel 9 was in the parking lot as I left rehearsal today. Of course I want publicity for the show, but not in this way.

There are times when I want to talk about the girls all the time, and there are times where I want to completely avoid it altogether. Obviously people don't know when I want to talk about it and when I don't since no one can read minds, but you think you'd get the hint if I start talking about the girls that I want to talk about them, or if I'm not talking about them, that I don't want to talk about them. If ask me if there's anything you can do to help or if I need to talk, please mean it for fuck's sake. I'm so sick of these empty promises... I try to talk about it, you try to change the subject or walk away. Make up your goddamn mind.

Lastly, I can't wait to get out of this hellhole. I never thought I'd think of Fairport as a hellhole, to be honest, but it really is. I'm sick of people lying to me and trying to make themselves feel helpful (which, by the way, is the worst thing you can do because it's so selfish) and pretending they give a flying fuck about me when they really don't at all. By the way, I'm pretty sure there are only about six people in Fairport that sincerely care about me, including my family, and that's another reason why I can't wait for college. People there actually care about me and I don't have to worry about being liked or accepted or getting invited to places or events because they actually like me, and trust me, lately it's been very easy to tell who really likes me and who doesn't really care or just wants to avoid the drama that I am very likely to stir up.

And now I feel just about the best I can feel right now. I'll write about how I punched Fred Phelps in the face after I do so.

I love how I'm like all anti-war and anti-violence, but all I really want to do right now is punch someone in the face, and essentially, to quote Sammi, "fighting hate with hate".

I can't believe those Westboro Baptist ASSHOLES like Fred fucking Phelps are planning on picketing tomorrow's memorial service for the girls. What the FUCK. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life, and I'm not exaggertating. If you've read my LJ regularly for at least a few months, you know how angry I get when he does this at people's funerals who I didn't even know. Second from the top if you can bear how disgusting these people are: http://www.godhatesfags.com/fliers/Picket_Information.html

Got my tattoo today!




Click to see more pics and a somewhat interesting story: ( Read more... )

MM stands for Meredith McClure and HC stands for Hannah Congdon, and 6-26-07 is the day that they died. I thought the tattoo turned out beautifully. :]

So there's this show called Jake 2.0 that I used to looooooove when I was probably about 12 or 13, but then it got cancelled after a few episodes (7, maybe? I can't remember). So I was channel surfing today, and what did I come across on the Sci Fi channel? A SEVEN HOUR LONG JAKE 2.0 MARATHON. I kind of wanted to cryyyy.

It's been one month already since Hannah, Meredith, Bailey, Sara, and Katie died. It's really hard to believe it's been that long. I just woke up from a nightmare, part of which took place the morning after... God. Anyway, the point of this to ask you guys to keep them in your thoughts today.

Say-ray, Tayloire, Caitlin, Logan, Jamie, and Karen went to see Harry and the Potters, Draco and the Malfoys, and The Whomping Willows last night in Buffalo at a library. All three bands were pretty awesome. My only complaint about the show itself was that it was seated, but that didn't even matter because most of us ended up dancing in the aisles, anyway. But we got to see Paul and Joe again! We thought it would be mad awks but it really wasn't. We waited for all the preteens to say hi to them and get their autographs before we talked to them, but then BIG DUMB SECURITY GUARD comes up and starts yelling at us to get out while we're talking to Joe. Joe was like "No, it's okay, I want them here... They're my friends!" and BDSG was like "NOOOO WE'RE CLOSING UP GET OUT NOWWWWW!" Sooooo yeah, that was cut kinda short, but oh well, I guess. We'll see them again some other time.

Slept over Say-ray's house and ate some delicious cookies and played on our laptops on her couch and listened to some Wizard Rock. Woke up today with no energy at allllll.

Happy Birthday, D-Rad!

Love,
Your Alter-ego

BEST BOOK EVER. And this is why:

CAUTION: SPOILERS FOR THE DEATHLY HALLOWS UNDER THE LJ-CUT! SIRIUSLY, THIS WILL RUIN PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE BOOK FOR YOU IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED IT YET!
( Read more... )

Sooooo basically I totally lied... There's no way I could've stayed off the internet for four days. Who was I even kidding? One of my friends that read the leak informed me (AND DON'T WORRY, THIS IS NOT A SPOILER FOR THE BOOK... I DON'T LIKE SPOILERS EITHER!) that Samuel's post was bullshit. I printed out the post, trying not to look at parts I managed to avoid before, and had her read it since I knew she had already read the leak. And to any Emersonians that saw the post (especially Renee because we were freaking out about it last night): I would just disregard the post altogether... there's some stuff in there that might be true, but at least some of it isn't, so I would just consider it speculation and be glad the book wasn't really ruined for us. :] I am still going to kick Samuel Siskind's ass for being such a dumbfuck the moment I see him on campus. Oh my godddd he almost ruined my life.

Anyway, that aside, it's my birthday today! I'm officially a legal adult, which is kind of weird. I kind of miss Tayloire and Caitlin a lot already and am wishing I was with them in Boston sooooo badly right now! It's all good though, at least I'm here with the fam and most of my friends, and, in less than 24 hours, my very own copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! I am freaking out so much right now!

By the way, if you haven't seen OOTP at the IMAX in 3D, I suggest you do so immediately. It is pretty amazing.

Happy belated birthday, Sarah! Except not really because we were sitting next to each other with our silly 3D glasses on the moment it became your birthday. :]

Oh and by the way, for the very few people who do not know this yet, I am dressing up as Luna Lovegood tonight for the Borders 'Grand Hallows' party! My outfit is awesome (thanks to Matt for all the help!) and there will definitely be pictures as soon as I'm done reading the book.

Maggie Moo's Fo-evah!

Fuck you, Sam!

I wasn't going to believe any HP7 spoilers I heard, but then some asshole had to leak it onto the internet and then another asshole decided to post a bunch of spoilers in the Emerson Class of 2011 group. Soooo I tried to erase my memory but one thing REALLY stuck out and I might have to go kill Samuel now because I don't know for true that it's a fake spoiler anymore! Gahhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm going to attempt to avoid the internet until the book comes out, which is going to be incredibly, incredibly difficult. Wow. Yeah, so see you then I guess.

Wow. Wowowowowow. This movie was fucking amazing, especially considering it was a Harry Potter movie. The first four HP were only "good" because of the storyline, and there was nothing special about the effects or the angles or the sound, or really anything. But this movie siriusly had everything going on. I might discuss a few spoilers so click if you want to read more: ( Read more... )

Anyway, fantastic movie overall. I'd say the best one technically of all five movies, and it also definitely had the best casting. It was just refreshing to see a REAL, well done, and interesting movie instead of a kind of shitty (tech-wise) Harry Potter movie with only a good story to make it popular.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Tayloire!! :]

I'm not a religious person at all, but when we were at the cemetery today, two things happened that really made me question my faith. The first was a rainbow. Not just any rainbow, but an upside down rainbow, and it hadn't rained today (or yesterday, for that matter) and it wasn't humid or anything-- there was no logical explanation for this rainbow. Someone first noticed it at exactly 1:00, the time the burial service was supposed to begin, and it disappeared soon after that. As people were walking back to Meredith's burial spot, a few people stepped in dog shit that no one had noticed when we walked over to see the rainbow. Seriously, only Meredith would want people seeing an upside down rainbow and stepping in dog shit at her funeral.

The thing that has made this past week the hardest for me is me being agnostic. All these services are talking about how they're in a better place now, it was their time, God loves them and embraces them, etc., and I just can't be comforted by that because I don't know if I believe in God or not. I don't know where my friends are and I don't know if I'm going to see them in another life because in the time where I had never lost anyone close to me, I didn't really care one way or another whether or not God was real... My philosophy has always been to just live life to its fullest and be the best person I can be, and that's all that matters, but now that's not all that matters. I want to know my friends are okay and I want to know that their souls aren't dead. The upside down rainbow and the dog shit helped me figure out that Meredith and Hannah probably are up there watching. I guess I'll never know for sure, but I need to believe in something or I'll never be able to move on from this tragedy. If I can believe that they really are in a better place and are still just as vivacious in Heaven as they were on Earth, I think I'll be able to move on a lot easier than if I just don't know anything.

You know, it's kind of funny that dog shit made me believe in God more than I ever have before.

Will somebody please knock me out right now. I am nearly COVERED in hives right now, literally (sorry, I know it's gross, but I'm going crazy), and now apparently this is either an allergic reaction or a virus, but I have to wait to go to the doctor's because it's not open anymore. If you don't know what this feels like, try imagining mosquito bites covering almost every inch of your body. Fun shit!

P.S. Channel 13 came to Hannah's funeral this morning and put a clip from Sara's eulogy on TV. Just, what the fuck. The Congdons were so mad about that, and I don't blame them at all.

Today was the second worst day of my life (the worst being Wednesday- from the middle of the night throughout the rest of the day). Today was the wake for 4 of the girls, and it was heartbreaking. Not only was I upset, but my entire body decided to break out into hives, which I conveniently noticed a few minutes after I had arrived at the school. Luckily the ambulence truck was there, and I was told they were more than likely stress-related since they kept appearing and disappearing in random spots. Sooo that was fun to deal with all day. Said rashes are still adorning my body... woo-hoo. But yeah, that kind of just added onto everything that's been going on this week, so needless to say I was sobbing for a while. Psychiatrists kept walking up to me and asking me if I was okay. Yeah, two of my closest childhood friends and three of my other classmates died suddenly a few days ago and now my entire body is swollen, bumpy, and itchy, but I'm perfectly fine, thanks.

I also really don't appreciate that article in Dem and Chronicle saying that some of the girls may have survived if a fire hadn't broken out. Even if that's true, what is the point of that article? There's nothing that can change the fact that they're dead, and some of us would like to believe that they died quickly, and I don't think that's a lot to ask at a time like this. I wish the media would just leave us the fuck alone... we don't need them at the girls' memorial services or candle vigil or knocking on their doors trying to get interviews from their parents and close friends or parking at really dangerous spots at the bottom of my street trying to get footage of our fucking street sign, and we certainly don't need them pointing out the slight possibility that they died from the fire instead of the impact. It's just not necessary and I am so frustrated with life right now that I can't even describe it in words. I don't understand anything right now, it's just impossible.

I'm going to Hannah's funeral is in 8 hours. It just should not be this way at all.

Today was just really horrific. Mo very kindly took Denise for the day so I could visit the McClures and the Congdons, and I think I cried more today than I've cried in my entire life altogether. I don't think anyone can comprehend this yet... it just can't be real. As I said last night, I did know all the girls, but I was best friends with Meredith for years and fairly close with Hannah since they both live in my neighborhood. When you know people that well, it's so hard to believe they aren't coming back, and I don't think I really will believe it until their funerals. This is beyond Fairport's worst nightmare. Nobody can figure out how something so tragic could happen to our little community that we all seemed to think was protected by a thick bubble. I need to share my strongest memories of Hannah and Meredith... They may see kind of lame, but they're all I can hang on to. I just need to let it out.

The first time I met Hannah was on the bus to religion class at Assumption (where her funeral will be) in I think 4th grade, and I heard that she was going to move into our neighborhood, so we talked about that for a while. She was really excited because she was going to live just down the street from one of her good friends, Meredith, and she was saying things like "Oh, Lizzie, I love the neighborhood so much!" Then she showed me some pins that she had on her backpack and some stickers that were in its front pocket, and she gave me a bunch of stickers and one of the pins that I said I really liked. Oh my god, Hannah was the biggest sweetheart ever. She always had a huge smile on her face and she always asked me how I was whenever she saw me and she really cared about everybody's well-being so much. Her graduation party was supposed to be on Saturday... Instead, her funeral is on Monday.

I have a few pretty amazing memories of Meredith that stick out more than any others. The first one was the time she tricked me into thinking base makeup was actually stuff to help get rid of zits. I was so hardcore against makeup at that time (things haven't changed much, huh?) and I just refused to put any on, and Mere was like "Oh, well, this stuff isn't makeup, it's stuff to help get rid of pimples!" How could I refuse that as a little girl going through puberty. After she put it on me, she revealed her evil plot against me, but I thought it was kind of funny despite my phobia of makeup. The second one was in 4th grade... she had a crush on Jeff Snider and wanted to call him and see if he liked her, so she made me call his house and say in a manly voice, "Hey, can I talk to Jeff?" Of course, Jeff answers the phone, so I was kinda mortified. Then Mere told me to just ask for the math homework, so I did and he told me, then I asked if he liked Meredith McClure. He really awkwardly said "Uhh... no?" Meredith didn't really care, she just thought it was hilarious that I actually called him and was laughing at me the entire time. We laughed for about 10 minutes after that, even though I was scared to talk to Jeff Snider ever again. The last one is somewhat general, which was how we always partnered up for the Science Fair in elementary school. One year, though, we were planning on doing an experiment to see how our pets would react to different things. We used my cat Tigger and her hamster, Snowball. During the experiment and a few days before the Science Fair, Snowball kind of died. I don't remember how it happened, but I remember it being partially our experiment's fault. Ooops. So we quickly changed the project to doing different things to get her hermit crabs to come out of their shells. Meredith made a few pretty large collages of pictures for her grad party, and one of pictures was me, her, and her little sister Charise standing in front of the poster holding the hermit crabs. Also, the first thing Mrs. McClure said to me today was "Remember when you guys killed our hamster?" Even though Meredith and I haven't hung out on our own in about 6 years, the amount of pictures she put on the posters of her and me together really touched my heart. I now know that I made an impact on her life, and I hope she knows she made an impact on mine. She taught me how to have courage and how to have fun.

Wow, I said a lot more than I originally thought I'd say... But it helped. If anyone read that entire thing, thank you. Even if no one reads any of this, at least I finally wrote down these memories that have been swimming in my head all night and all day and all night again...

Here's a really nice tribute to the girls: http://www.13wham.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoId=184856@video.wokr13.com&navCatId=5

Two pictures of Hannah and Meredith together, and one of all the girls' senior pictures.


That's Meredith on the left, Hannah on the right.


Hannah on the left, Meredith on the right.


Hannah, Bailey, Meredith, Sara, and Katie.

I cannot emphasize this enough, especially right now. Cherish everybody you meet. Do not blow this off as me being all sentimental and shit, this is fucking serious. I can't even process this, I can't even think. I need to go be with my mom.

Edited at 2:37 am: I am in disbelief. 4, maybe 5, people from my class were killed in a car accident tonight. I know all of them, 2 of them very well, and I am just... in shock right now. The news will have probably spread by the morning so I'm guessing most of you will know some details by then. I'm not saying names because I don't know all the details and I don't want have to be the informant, so please don't ask me.

People always say that denial is one of the first reactions to death, and that couldn't be more true. I never knew what it felt like to lose people that close until now. People I've known died before, but this is so different. This is ridiculously different. I just can't and don't believe this is happening, I really don't. I don't even know why I'm writing in my fucking livejournal right at a time like this. I guess I just don't know what else to do. I obviously can't sleep and I can't call anybody at 3 in the morning. I just seriously don't know. I'm sorry Sarah and Tayloire and anyone else I was going to hang out with tomorrow, but I don't think I can anymore.

Edit at 3:15 am: It was 5 people. I really really really can't believe this. I'm sorry that this is getting redundant but this is by far the scariest, most horrifying night of my life in so many ways. Here's an article about it... You can check it for updates... my guess is they'll probably release the names overnight. http://www.whec.com/article/stories/S123843.shtml?cat=566